This is not what I wanted my first post to be.
Honestly I didn't know what I wanted.
I could do what I always do and tell my story from the start, but it's a story I'm tired of telling.
Besides, this whole thing is about moving forward, right?
Let's just begin from this exact moment in time. I'm twenty years old, I live with my nanna and uncles, and I live off of allowances given to me by the government because my mood disorders make me classes as 'disabled' and they keep me from working.
It's not like I haven't tried to work. I did, and I do. I hate the idea of spending the rest of my life living in my nanna's sunroom, having enough food to pay lodge and eat but never being able to actually live. Don't get me wrong, I like living here but it's not where I wanna be forever. I suppose what I'm saying is that my life lacks freedom and my circumstances keep me being able to afford to climb out of this hole. Or it did. I'm sort of between circumstances at the moment.
Okay let's try the optimistic version:
I'm on my way to being able to climb out of this hole of dispair and self-pitying! Yay!!
A refreshing change of gears, right?
So here's the deal. I want to be a tour photographer and journalist, and to also maybe make music one day. Right now I've got my foot in the door to the first part.
I work with Strife Magazine, writing reviews and columns and stuff. I managed to get some money together to buy a concert-suitable camera and my super cool boss is giving me a shot at shooting shows for them. It won't be paid but I'll have experience, practice, a portfolio, and the potential to get my name out there.
I'm also attending a part-time course in photography to better my skills and knowledge of equipment. I'm mostly self-taught and while I know I can produce results and how to get the shots I want, when people start talking about gear I feel like an idiot. My first session was on Tuesday and it was fine I guess. It was hard to concentrate for three hours with no break, especially when my anxiety keeps me from being able to sit still and concentrate on doing just one thing at once. I also think I've already achieved the quality of picture-taking the graduates of last year acheived, but I'm trying to be positive and open my mind to what I could still learn.
Finally, I'm working with a foundation called The Prince's Trust. They help young people find work, training, or enter self-employment. As working for other people has been distressing for me I believe having my own business will be the best route for me. I know, I know, I work for Strife but I don't have to take the work if I can't handle it and I don't have to trek to an office every day. It's just different, okay?
So I got accepted onto TPT's programme and next week I'm doing a short course which will teach me how to set my business up properly, help me write up my business plan, and they'll give me a grant and loan to get started. Just writing that down makes my heart feel lighter. Somebody believes in me enough to give me a loan to set up my business. They're giving me the shot and the support I desperately need.
I don't know how much I'll talk about money but it's a huge source of anxiety for me. The main thing holding me back (other than my health) is lack of funds. For example, the next shoot I'm going to has cost me around £100 to be at because I'm paying for my ticket, travel, and a roof over my head for the night. I probably won't make any profit from it. My press pass is being sorted but I'd still need permission to sell prints which is going to be my main source of income, and managers, labels, and bands are hard to get hold of to obtain this permission.
Anyway, since my last pay was £222 and I don't get paid again until next month on the 8th, you can see where my anxiety is coming from. Still, if I don't go I won't get the exposure, practice, or portfolio shots that could get me hired in the future.
Life right now is scary. There's so much going on in my head, so many balls in the air. I work all day on writing business plans, researching equipment, building this website, finding out about copyright law, sending emails and messages to look for work, and tracking shows I could shoot just to build that portfolio. I know it's my dumb choice but for weeks I've been staying up until 3am every night still doing all this stuff. It's really fucking hard.
I don't doubt it will be worth it, but I'm so impatient. I already waited so long for my window of opportunity to open and waiting for the next step is so much harder knowing that it's just out of my reach.